Trumps Legs Gate A Satirical Take On Presidential Pains And Diplomatic Dramas
Trump Blames Ramaphosa for Health Woes, Citing “Suspiciously Strong Handshake” and “Mysterious Biltong”
Washington, D.C. — In a bizarre turn of events, President Donald Trump has publicly attributed his recent health issues to none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa. Trump claims his diagnosis of chronic venous insufficiency, a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, stemmed directly from Ramaphosa’s visit to the White House.
During a press briefing on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”
“Legs Swollen with Democracy”
Trump lamented the change in his leg health following Ramaphosa’s visit in February. “Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump asserted, emphasizing his point with a slap to his thigh. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”
Suspicious Gifts and the “Oval Office Curse”
Unnamed Secret Service sources reportedly indicated that Ramaphosa’s alleged gifts to Trump included a mysterious packet of biltong (dried meat) and a wooden giraffe that emitted a strange hum. The giraffe is now said to be stored in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at CIA headquarters.
“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump reportedly whispered to reporters, expressing visible annoyance at having to wear compression socks during interviews.
Adding to the intrigue, Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned about “residual Ubuntu” left behind from the White House visit, which they believe is confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs. Former advisor Steve Bannon has even suggested unusual remedies like burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to counter the alleged “Southern African diplomatic voodoo.”
Ramaphosa’s Amused Response
When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa reportedly chuckled and offered a simple remedy: “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”
“Make Legs Great Again”
Back at Mar-a-Lago, Trump has reportedly begun wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of these socks is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, alongside a “Biltong Detector” app, which is humorously claimed to be powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.
“I’ll recover,” Trump assured his supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and President Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy—unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.
About The Author
